Both Sides of the Fence

How can a person feel like they are on both sides.. good/evil... God/Satan... happy/sad.

it seems i have been all over the yard on both sides, I can't win for losing and can't lose for winning. I run the streets, been in church, I have helped people when no one else would, i have turned my back on people. I feel as when I am doing good things, helping others, in the church, I still feel (Keep in mind, I FEEL) like I am doing wrong, not helping, or something is not right.

When I am doing wrong and I know it, I still feel as God has not left me, and I have a fighting chance for something good, but yet knowing, I am not even close to goodness.

When I smile, and am sad, and when I am sad, I seem to be smiling on the inside.

I have heard people talking about.. "You can't straddle the fence, but sure feels like I jump over it all the time.

I wonder when my big break in life will be... I see people on TV, radio .. Celebs they may be called, some work for what they have, some just was in the right place at the right time.

For anyones information, I would prefer to be on the good side of the fence... United states.. yea, ok.. I haven't had a united experince in my life sense I was born, no help no anything.

I have had help in the small things, but Nothing major.